Love…
Some love love and for some it is a sensitive subject. For some Valentine’s is a day to celebrate but for others it may bring sadness or even pain.
I always loved love, but was also seeking it too desperately. For a long time it felt as if Love doesn’t love me back. I was ending up in relationships that weren’t right for me, full of self-doubt.
But most importantly, I wasn’t taught to love myself unconditionally. Wasn’t taught that the most important thing is to truly love myself first, to get to know who I am deep down and embrace it, accept it and be my own best friend and partner, no matter what anyone says.
None of that was modelled where I grew up. This is not to say that my parents did anything wrong. In fact, they loved me very much! They did their best with what they knew. Plus, it wasn’t just about them, my circle of influence included teachers, other peoples’ parents, neighbors, classmates, a society around me and the way it worked then. So from a very young age, I saw that I have to explain myself for being single, as if it meant that something is wrong with me or my life. I heard things like “But he is such a lovely person, love fades anyway”, “How will you manage on your own (meaning without a husband)”?! All this by the age of 27. 27! So you can imagine that love, as a romantic love, was a pain point for me. And radical self-love just seemed made-up. In my head I was like, “surely I love myself”.
The truth is, I didn’t quite understand what Self-Love actually is, and without understanding the concept it is very hard to practice it. So let’s have a look at the fundamentals of self-love and how can we love ourselves more.
The Foundation of True Self-Love
True self-love goes beyond just ‘liking’ yourself. It’s about embracing your flaws, honoring your worth, and recognizing that you are enough exactly as you are. This means having a very kind and supportive relationship with yourself as if you were your own best friend. This, of course, starts with how you think about yourself. Now this doesn’t mean that you will never have sad days or challenges, rather that you will never repeat something like this:
“Why am I so stupid?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“I just can’t get a nice guy (nice job, nice friends, etc)”
“I hate being alone”
“I am (insert a negative adjective)”
You get what I’m saying?
Breaking Free from Limiting Beliefs
It turns out, I had quite a lot of deep-seated beliefs revolving around not being “good enough”. So it’s no wonder I was anxiously attached to men. If I am not good enough and yet I still managed to get a guy I had to hold on to him for dear life, right? That came with an add-on of “Being married is super important” which in other words meant that being single is meaningless. The worst part here is actually the fact that none of this was conscious. In my rational mind I was …ahem…fine? But I was miserable.
These limiting beliefs, that formed in childhood or young adolescence, shaped how I viewed myself and how I showed up for myself.
Than I found a coach. It felt that she knew what I am going through, because she went through it too. And she taught me that the first step in practicing self-love is to identify your narratives. It is to ask yourself: What story am I telling myself about my worth and my life?
Practice
Self-love is not a one-time realisation but a daily practice. We need to commit to building ourselves up, because for decades we were subconsciously bringing ourselves down, so there is a lot of rewiring that has to take place.
Let’s start with a few powerful ways:
- Self-Care Rituals: I strongly recommend sensations-focused meditations. Meditation literally rewires your brain overtime. Make it a daily habit to meditate for at least 5 minutes a day. This will activate your Task-Positive Network and make rewiring your brain easier.
- Affirmations: Start each day with loving affirmations. If they seem too far off, start with some neutral, yet powerful ones like “Today I decide to accept myself for everything that I am”. Repeat this at least a hundred times. No, this is not too many times!
- Mindful Reflection: Notice when self-criticism arises and gently redirect your thoughts towards compassion and encouragement.
The Ripple Effect of Self-Love
When you cultivate true self-love, everything in your life shifts. You attract healthier relationships, make empowered decisions, and move through life with confidence and grace. As Louise Hay beautifully put it, “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Self-love is a lifelong journey and a beautiful one! It’s about showing up for yourself every day with the same love and kindness you would offer to a dear friend. When you love yourself deeply, you give others permission to do the same. So today, take a deep breath, place your hand on your heart, and remind yourself: I accept myself, I am enough, I got my own back.
Happy Valentines today and everyday 😉