We’ve all had that friend who’d every time after another break up say – “I just need closure”, “I can’t move on until I get closure”. We may have even been that friend, am I right?
When a relationship ends, one of the most common things we seek is closure. We tell ourselves that if we could just understand why it happened, if we could just have that one last conversation, then maybe—just maybe—we could finally move on.
But here’s the truth: Closure is an illusion. It’s a term that is misunderstood and misused right and left. The so-called need for closure after the end of a relationship has been influenced by various industries and cultural narratives. Yet waiting for this mythical non-existent creature keeps you emotionally tied to the past that you cannot undo.
So why do we get hooked on that myth?
It’s our brain of course. Brains are wired to seek certainty. When a relationship ends—especially one we were deeply invested in—it leaves behind a void of unanswered questions. This triggers our deepest insecurities and attachment wounds, making us feel out of control.
For those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, the end of a relationship can feel like emotional free fall. And in that discomfort, we cling to the idea that if we just get an explanation, it will somehow soften the pain. But here is the crazy part – even if the other person sits down and explains, in great detail, why they chose to end the relationship…we will still feel terrible. And this is because we don’t hear “the truth”. We hear OUR version of it, filtered through our beliefs about ourselves and relationships.
Let’s prove it. Let’s say there is someone you liked and emotionally bonded with. You are building your dreams around that person and secretly choosing names for your future kids. But then, the talk happens. And not the one you were hoping for. Your partner looks you in the eye and tells you they want to break up. You ask them why and they actually give you their whole truth. They say that they only want to marry someone who has green eyes, and no matter how hard they try to love you and your brown eyes they just can’t help themselves.
Now I know, this example is odd, it’s on purpose. What do you think your line of thoughts would be in this situation?
I can give you two examples:
If you are someone who has self-confidence and loves and accepts themselves with their brown eyes, you would most likely think that the person is a weirdo and you’d probably be happy they are not with you anymore.
If you are someone who has low self-esteem, low confidence and who doesn’t love and accept themselves, you would consider wearing green contact lenses for that person, trying to convince them to stay with you.
When we struggle with self-worth (and oh boy, we do!), we might interpret their words as confirmation of our deepest fears:
💭 I wasn’t enough.
💭 I should have been different.
or worse:
💭 Maybe they’ll realise their mistake and come back.
No explanation will rewrite those beliefs for us.
Closure doesn’t come from their words—it comes from how we choose to see ourselves. And how much we value ourselves and our lives.
Most of the time, what we’re really looking for isn’t an answer—it’s relief from discomfort. We don’t want to sit with grief, uncertainty, or rejection, so we chase closure like it’s the missing piece of our healing. But real healing begins when we stop looking outward for validation and start asking:
👉 What is this breakup revealing about my own patterns and wounds?
👉 What are my thoughts about myself?
👉 How can I give myself the reassurance I’m seeking without having to be around that person?
How to Create Your Own Closure
Instead of waiting for someone else to set you free, try:
✨ Releasing the need for all the answers—some things don’t need to be explained to be accepted.
✨ Challenging the beliefs this breakup activated (instead of taking them as facts).
✨ Redirecting your focus toward your future rather than the past.
✨ Strengthening your emotional self-confidence—so that no one else has the power to dictate your worth.
If you’re struggling to let go, it’s not because you need more answers. It’s because you need to rewire your brain for self-love and self-acceptance, that make the foundation to your authenticity and confidence.
If you’re ready to break free from painful patterns and build the kind of self-worth that doesn’t depend on anyone else’s permission to heal, let’s work together.
Your peace isn’t waiting in their words. It’s waiting in your decision to move forward.
Kindest,
Jelena