I think we’ve now all heard about such thing as People Pleasing. But do we really understand it? Let’s take a closer look at what People Pleasing actually is, why we do it to begin with and most importantly how to stop putting OUR needs at the bottom of our list.
People Pleasing as a trait is recognised as the habit of putting others’ needs, expectations, or approval above your own. While it might come across as kindness, it often leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity.
Imagine this: Sarah’s boss asks her to stay late again, even though she already had plans. She wants to say no, but the thought of her boss being disappointed makes her agree. Later, as she cancels her plans and misses out on time with her loved ones, she feels frustrated – at her boss, at herself and sometimes at the world. Ever experienced anything like that? I know I had. I’d blame my boss for not being respectful of my time, I’d blame the corporate world being too corporate and then I’d blame myself for not being able to just say one simple word: “No”.
Why Do We Do It?
People Pleasing takes its roots in deeper, unconscious beliefs and fears. For instance let’s take Sarah’s unconscious mind as our example for why would she be people pleasing.
Reason 1 – Fear of Rejection or Disapproval: Sarah might worry that saying “no” will make her seem unreliable or unlikable. And oh how we want to be liked. We don’t even know why we want to be liked (unless we look into that) we just know we want it. We can actually get anxiety if we know we are unlikeable!
Reason 2 – Validation-Seeking: People pleasing can feel like a way to “earn” love, acceptance, or worth. If you can read this text it means that you are come from one of the generations that make up our society today. And boy aren’t we a fun bunch?! From early years we were told that we need to BE a certain way to be loved, be liked, be accepted. This created a subconscious belief that “You are just not good enough as you are”, which means that “You should’t love yourself the way you are” and voila – we have created generations of insecure people who were never taught how to have their own backs or advocate for themselves.
Reason 3 – Learned Behavior: It might originate from childhood experiences, where pleasing caregivers ensured emotional or physical safety.
If Sarah grew up in an environment where her needs were dismissed, she might have learned to prioritize others to feel valued. If she wanted to learn skate-boarding but were placed in a ballet class instead, or if she were told what college to go to instead of being able to choose for herself, it is most likely than not thas she learnt that not only her wishes do not matter, but also that others know better.
Reason 4 – Conflict Avoidance: Saying yes feels easier than dealing with potential tension or confrontation. That’s a real personal point for me. I absolutely dislike conflict. It makes me uncomfortable, it makes me stressed. However, I am proud to say that these feelings are now much less intense thanks to the years of my commitment to thought-work.
Why Do HSPs People Please More?
Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) tend to be deeply empathetic, which makes them more attuned to the feelings of others. This can lead to Asorbing Others’ Emotions; Overthinking Reactions or Avoiding Overwhelm
Either Highly Sensitives or not, People Pleasing is a universal trait that we can address and get worse at, and I say “worse” because if are to get better at people pleasing it means we will do more of it and I want the opposite for us 🙂
So what can we do?
Below I listed a few tips that can help you start tackling the people pleasing trap.
Use the “Pause and Reflect” Rule: Next time you are asked to do something, go somewhere you don’t really want to practice saying, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” This creates space to decide thoughtfully.
Identify Core Beliefs: Challenge thoughts like, “If I say no, they’ll think I’m lazy, rude, uncaring etc.” Replace it with, “Saying no protects my energy and helps me deliver my best work or be the best version of me.”
Challenge Your Thoughts: Ask yourself “Am I responsible for their happiness?” or “Who should respect my time and my boundaries first? (Spoiler: It’s YOU!)”
Set Boundaries: For a work related situation, If appropriate, let people know about your time commitments. You can say smth like “I’m available for overtime twice a month but need advanced notice.”
Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on your needs and desires first—it’s not selfish, it’s essential.
Get Comfortable with Discomfort: Understand that people may not always like your boundaries, and that’s okay. Work on approving of your self and your wishes.
Seek Support: Work with a therapist to resolve past traumas that can result in this trait and/or work with a coach to learn how to develop healthier patterns and be perfectly okay with saying no.
Most importantly start small. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations, like rescheduling a casual meeting or favoring your wish to stay in over the weekend. Remind yourself that your value isn’t tied to how much you sacrifice yourself or even do for others. Your value comes from your own thoughts about yourself. Period.
Key Takeaway:
Please remember that people pleasing often feels like the path of least resistance, but it comes at the cost of your emotional health. You can learn to say no without guilt, protect your energy, and prioritize your own needs—while still being kind and empathetic.
You got this! 🙂
Kindest,
Jelena